The Worst Mistake I Ever Made

The last thing a woman thinks is that someday she will commit murder. Especially if you were brought up in a Christian home with loving parents, and you're planning to get married. After all, having children is part of being married, isn't it? I had my whole life planned out, and it definitely included having babies. I guess I should have planned better though, and talked to my fiancé about what he expected as far as raising a family went.

I was 19 when I got married, and my husband was 23. We were both in the Army back in 1976, with our whole lives ahead of us. We had been married for five months when I discovered that I was pregnant. I was thrilled, and could just picture myself with a baby of my very own! But when I told my new husband, he was shocked, and not at all happy about it. He told me that he wasn't "ready" to be a father yet, and told me that I would have to have an abortion.

This was absolutely devastating to me! How could he not want our child? Didn't everyone want children when they got married? How could I choose between a new life growing inside me, and the vows I had made before God? How could I live with myself, no matter what choice I made? This put a whole new meaning to the idea of being "pro-choice." But finally after much agonizing I finally rationalized to myself that I could always have more children, and that I had to honor the first vow I had made to my husband. Even though we hadn't used the word "obey" in our marriage ceremony, I just felt like I had to go along with what he wanted.

At the time, the Army was willing to do the abortion. I don't know if they still do that or not. We went through a couple of counseling sessions, and the date for the "procedure" was set up. I was only a few weeks along, and supposedly it wouldn't be that hard. Boy, was I wrong!

They gave me a shot to relax me, and a local anesthetic, but I still felt so much pain that I wanted to die right there on the table. Even though my baby couldn't make any noise, I could almost hear the cries of protest and pain that the baby must have been thinking and feeling. The medical staff tried to keep me calm, but I just knew that none of them had ever been through anything like before, and really didn't know what I was going through. The worst part was after the whole thing was over. They hadn't covered the jar that the baby had been sucked into, and I saw what was left of my child. Even though I hadn't eaten that morning, I thought I was going to be sick. Even that small, I could tell what was in the jar, and the realization of what I had done washed over me like a flood. The guilt was almost more than I could bear.

I wish I could tell you that with a few counseling sessions that feeling of guilt went away. I wish that I could tell you that my marriage survived that trauma and that we lived happily ever after and had other children later. I wish I could tell you that my body suffered no ill effects later. I wish I could tell you that, but I can't. Not and be honest with you.

The truth is that no matter how many times I sought counseling that horrible guilt didn't go away. The truth is that a few months later, unable to live with what I had done I had a nervous breakdown and almost succeeded in a suicide attempt. The truth is that all of this had a devastating impact on my marriage, and we split up fifteen months after we were married. The truth is that the abortion left scars on my uterus, and although I was able to get pregnant again, I ended up having a hysterectomy when I was 26.

I did finally find a way to live with what I had done. I finally turned to God for His forgiveness. God was the only one who could forgive me for what I had done, and it was only through His love and forgiveness that I was finally able to move on with my life. But my ability to trust men was shattered that day as well. I'm now married for the third time, and it took this last man, my present husband, to teach me how to be able to really trust any man with all my heart.

I did have two more children. Both of them are beautiful daughters who are now adults. In fact, you can read the story of one of them on this site also. She's the one who kept her baby. I strongly urge you to think again if somehow you have been convinced by anyone that abortion is the only answer. It isn't an answer at all. It is only a gateway to more pain that you can possibly imagine. Even almost thirty years later I sometimes think about the baby I didn't have, and I mourn her loss. I say "her", because I just feel that had I made a different choice, I would have three daughters today. I pray with all my heart that you will do whatever you can to keep from making the same tragic mistake I made. I know most of you are probably single, teenage girls, but it will still feel the same way, no matter what your circumstances are.

I know it's a cliché, but it really isn't a "choice" or just a blob of tissue; it's a baby, your baby, and it is depending on you to protect and nurture it. Don't destroy two lives. Make the right choice. Whether you keep your baby or give it up for adoption,

Let your baby have a chance for life!